i shall write this before hand..that unless u'll die or something..please try not to read this entry..whenever ppl ask me if they can link me..i'll say sure..but try not to read my entries..to me..blog entries are for myself not for others..it's supposed to be private..it's not that i have secrets or wadeva inside them..juz that i dont want to arise unnecessary misunderstandings or disagreements..everyone holds different views on things after all.. im deadly damn tired of guessing games..these days i've been asking myself,"is it really that difficult to tell what im thinking?" No what..i show what i feel..cuz im really lousy at hiding things..i cant hide secrets..esp my own ones..neither can i hide my feelings..i tried to do so..i mean in times when i feel blue..but i always thought im such a dumbo that i dont know how to hide my inner most feelings and thoughts.. But..ever since the starting of this year..many of the sec4 prc gals dont seem to like me very much..what did i do to them..?? Did i cast a spell on them..?? they began to pick up a new hobby..which surprisingly is guessing what am i thinking about..im not referring to all the sec4 prc gals..but some of them only..what is there abt ME to guess abt?? Most of them hardly know me..and they THINK they can tell whatever im thinking..after my each action..they'll try to make out my "real" intention and purpose of that action.. whenever i say something..they'll then try of fish out the "actual" meaning behind my words..what the heck??!!! and this thing is getting more and more serious day by day..its spreading like influenza..then they'll share with other their "conclusions".. whats wrong with me..or what's wrong with them..?? They claim that im a person wih many layers..showing only the outer most layer..and that even my best friend doesnt understand me at all..but why me..?? I dont think im really an interesting "specimen" to examine..of course im far from perfect..so not everyone has to love me..but..can these ppl juz stop this game..ok..if u have any doubt juz approach me can??? If u have been reading this entry till now..please please DO stop here.dont go any further..please..if u have some basic respect in me.. Jj has neva left shufa without informing me..but that was exactly what she did yesterday..she only reached home at 11pm and i was so damn worried..and the first sms she sent to me after her return was..im angry with u..pls lol..who should be angry with whom?? i didnt even ask her where she had been.. not that i didnt bother but at least i need to have some trust and faith in her..i trusted that she wont be off doing things that hurt me..i didnt ask..and she didnt say.. all the while she had been asking me to help her get more info of her pillow..i've really been helping her hard..yesterday during shufa i was telling her the info i have gathered..and she said she suspect i was thinking "what i wasnt supposed to think of"..that wasnt the first time she had that lame suspicion..yep "y" (shldnt mention her name) was beside her along..and she was listening to our conversation..or rather eavesdropping.. and that suspicion of hers alwayz shoke our friendship.. the 3rd and last sms jj sent to me last nite was,"'y' told me what u are thinking about..since both of u are shanghainese..she shld be able o tell..that makes me more and more unable to understand u"..it was like a needle poking all the way through my heart..i can swear that im not exaggerating..yes..i was deeply deeply hurt.. i replied her,"if u think she knows me better than you do..fine..its all up to you..i dont care." who's being ridiculous..?? "y" is another one of the gals who enjoys playing the game..and now this burning game is beginning to scald the friendship between jj and me.. what on world is going on?? I dont like anyone to interfere into our friendship.. i was really disappointed at jj..and im still disappointed at her now..tt she actually let others get in between our friendship and took her words about me to heart..i dont wan anyone to interfere..so i chose not to share this with anyone..but its really awfully painful to carry all this load myself.. tml..the 4 of us are going out..i need some time some time to let the both of us "refresh" and cool down..but cant avoid seeing her tml..i decided not to call her today..since she hasnt replied my question,"who knows me better, 'y' or you?" and yes..i hate ppl to use the word "shanghainese" to describe me..i hate i hate i hate to be a shanghainese..to be frank..i feel ashamed to be born in shanghai..i'd rather be born in Zimbabwe..u get what i mean?? Shanghainese are all so complicated, practical, calculative, petty and arrogant..i cant really make such a sweeping statement..well the majority are so..glad that i only spend 6 years of my life in Shanghai..and im proud to say that Shanghai didnt affect me much in terms of my charatcer..i really dont know whats gonna happen between me and jj..are we really through juz coz of some outsider?? So wats the use of saying craps like "friends forever".."bez friends 4ever"..are they are empty talk?? Im really beginning to doubt the meaning of "friend"..friend: when the two of u are in the same class..u share all secrets and gosspis with each other and spends hours on the hp each day..when u graduate and get into diff classes or schools.. u'll say keep in touch and again..friends forever..1 month after graduation..u'll stop calling each other..and only send seldom and short smses..4 months after graduation..you merely send e-mails when u are too bored and cant find nothing else to do..half a year after graduation..when u run into each other on the road..u may find some place to sit down and talk..but the hings u now talk about wld be totally diif fr what u used to talk about..it'd juz be things like hows school..how do you like your school..how are the subjects u are sudying..all those conventional talk..more than a year after graduation..when u see each other in the streets..u'll juz say hi and walk away. Well, that's cruel fact..cant really say that its us, human being's fault..coz ppl tend to become more and more distant when they dont spend time with each other..coz ppl change everyday...u go that way and she goes the other way..of coz they'll get further and further.. Gals are gals..though im also supposed to be a gal as well..the friendship between gals are always so fragile..yes..fragile is the correct word to use.. today she's angry with u..and tomorrow u are angry with her..dont u think this "phenomena" is rather annoying..??? cant gals juz be more relaxed and be a little less narrow-minded??
Be happy!!! It's a sin to feel blue and miserable..isn't it..??? why not just keep a permanent smile on your pretty face that won't be very difficult.. It's just a muscle exercise, that will keep you young and happy...
