Kopfkissen

long time no blog

2005-12-28T04:07:00.000-08:00

has been ages since i last blogged, ages ages....hahahax...watching superidol now..holiday has been a boredom..i have sort of forgotten how to blog..lots of changes has taken place..but nothing has seemed to change..ehhh..what am i talking about..class outing tmr..but i dont feel like going at all..not that im deliberatly being ap or sth..but genuinely don't feel like going..maybe it's my dread of school reopening..just went to hc today..cuz my parents wanted to know how to drive there..wonder how my first day of school would be like..i kind of dont really know how to appreciate the school. Human is just like this..when he hasnt gotten what he wants, he works hard for it and loves it, but when he gets it, he doesnt treasure it and decides to throw it aside. Shit humans. Before the prelims..how i wished i could get into a good school..but when posting came out......i dont know what i should say about myself...maybe i'm just a typical libra-ambitious..sometimes overly so. None of my close friends are going to the same school as me (but xmx has chance tho..god bless..)..i really considered appealing to vj..but that may make me a loser..hahax..i'm not sure..i feel like soon landing on a totally foreign plant and having to meet aliens (no offence..)..nevermind...i'll have to adapt to it..and become an alien too..now i shall go back to prom..damn glad that i didnt go..too glad..hahahahaha...just received a message fr xmx..she said the hc vp just told her there's no vacancy for her yet..what the hell..tt means the probability is only like 1/1000000000000000000000000...my god..but the point is she deserves to get in..cuz her cca grade had some prob..her average score was higher mine in the first place..
Hey..i want the superstar concert vcd..hahax..junyang is so damn cute..

What a day

2005-06-21T15:02:00.000-07:00

First time going to school in the hols..sad maths remedial..but the 2 hous passed real fast surpringly..my ex-tutor invited me to her bbq at her new residence..the bbq is this evening..but mengting is away..i would feel damn extra if i attend alone..but it would be really AP if i just come up with a lame excuse and reject it..so i said sure i'll be there..but i really hate to go..finally i made up my mind and told a stupid excuse and that i would pay her a vist with mengting when she comes back..there a couple of reasons for not going..the main reason is that i dun wanna feel extra..the lil kids there are quite nice people..but the older ones..
Feel much more ready for school reopening after the "warm-up exercise" this morning..at least school is not that unfamiliar now..hafta go buy some cloth for the DI thingie and stuff for the class notice board when jj comes back..hardly have much time left for real fun..feel like watching initial D..the new movie starred by Jay Chou..but movie tix are damn ex now..sigh..
Oh dear..i've only completed one english article review out of four..and i dont know what i can do to my half done chinese essay..I'm addicted to the pinball game in my phone this hols..and the addiction is contagious..my mum got addicted to it too..so the two of us have been busy competing against each other to clinch the top position on the "highscore" list...my mum just broke my record of 32000 on sunday with a score of 62000 and now we have to get at least 32000 to get into top 5...
Dunno how to write the physics reflection which i should be working on now..i shall keep it anonymous i guess..since my physics is in such a sorry state..

that's more like it.. :)

2005-06-19T15:54:00.000-07:00

Nice father's day..had a hard time shopping for a gift for my dad..ended up buying a shoe bag from plaza sing...cuz wanna encourage him to go to the gym more often..i shall really applause for myself today..i actually cooked lunch for my parents..obviously it wasnt some elaborate cuisine..just simple fried rice..i warned my parents infinite times yesterday that food cooked my me is bound to taste yucky..so i any how grabbed some stuff at carrefour..some mushroom of course..some cucumber..tomato..sausage..and thats all..but my god it turned out more than merely "edible"!! Especially after i added egg and tomato sauce to the rice..it smelled great..shall i call that a secret recipe of my mine..?? School is reopening in a week's time..with 3 tests as a welcome-back-gift...really appreciate it..physics is driving me nuts..by now i still dont know what is "time-base"..didn't know one month can pass so fast..wanna slack at home for good.. at least there's a long weekend after week one..youth day..maths remedial next tues..feel like giving it a miss..missed an awesome autograph session at J8 yesterday..Daniel Zhang..too bad jj's not in town..no one else is interested to go all the way from east to west just for that i guess..we would never scream or go there to get a place nearer to the stage at 6 am..just love to see how high and hilarious young people can get........

ahh..what am i doing..

2005-06-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

More than half of the holiday has passed unconsciously..but who cares..hols are even worse than school days it seems..at least u can leave ur brains at home when u go to school and dream in class..u only have to do some work after u come back from school and during the test..but during hols..u are with ur brain whole day long..not that you want it..esp for people like me, who are forbidden from going out..but one thing good about this hols is that i finally started doing SOMETHING to my o's..couldnt believe it my god..i have completed 3 setss of emaths papers..2 sets of amaths paper..3 sets of chem papers and 2 sets of physics papers..amazing huh..i've been soooooooo industrious is mainly cuz i doubt i stand any chance for DSA into hwa chong...just saw on the papers today that over 300 students applied for DSA into hwa chong and i estimated that they will only take in 150 applicants at most..am i amongst the top 50% of the applicants?? hahax...jj is certainly having a REAL holiday in China..she's been asking me to call her..and i've called once las week with my mum's permission.. then days ago she did something really amazing with i was greatly astounted by..so she asked me to call her to tell me the whole story.. i waited for the rare chance of being at home alone..in the end i called her up just a few minutes ago and goodness..she told me she was taking neoprints..and the calling card only had 19 minutes plus left..thats definitely not enough for a usual chat..i knew my mum is going to question me when she uses the card...just as predicted..i used up the entire 19minutes..then i felt like a thief who has just committed a theft..that guilt was really a burden sinking into every grooves of the brain..really..im not exaggarating at all..so i was thinking shall i just dump it into a bin and make my mum think that its lost?? no no..my mum knows me too well..the prob here is that my dad is not in town again and if he was the one who finds out that the credit is now 0..he wont realize the irony since he rarely pays any attention to such matters..but my mum..its a completely different case..or shall i admit to her?? then she''ll never trust ne and leave me alone again and will think that i always do "illegal" things behind her back..so how.. i used an eraser to erase the last number of the pin..so that the next time she uses it..she'll be informed that the pin is incorrect...but thats not an ingenious idea at all..the pin is in 3 groups of 4 digits..i should have erased the first digit to make it less obvious..but no matter which digit is erased my mum will sense aomething fishy tho she may not think im behind it and certainly it is not a right thing to do at all..i dont know how am i going to tolerate the guilt when i see my mum using this card..can i say im sorry? no use writing it down here...

I should be happy, no??

2005-05-26T23:30:00.000-07:00

Wow..havent been updating my blog recently, mainly cuz i hav lost interest in it i guess and find it rather meaningless..just came back fr the mjc/tkss choir concert, my god it was a total blast, now i know where our dhs choir stands..hahaha..today was a mess..i decided to skip bio afternoon class cuz i was having flu..but mainly cuz sim's face is not that pleasant and i want to go out and have some fun before the concert..i already felt very proud of myself when i decided to write her a letter of "apollogy" (?)...but hu knows..after i stepped out of the school xmx called me up and said told me that i'd need to fill up a from from the G.O in order to be excused from the school..so i went back..got a from..and needed HOD's signature..then unfortunately only miss Ling was there..then she called my mum up..luckily my mum knew i was having since this morning..but too bad couldnt go out liaoz..sadness..heard a piece of "good" news today..it's SUPPOSED to be great, but i dun find myself liking it very much tho..and that's wierd wierd...a far cry from what i had imagined.. nvm..

missing u____

2005-05-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

MISS
v.
1. to fail to hit, catch, find, meet, touch, hear, see, etc.
2. to avoid or escape from (something unpleasant)
3. to feel sorry or unhappy at the sbsence or loss of
4. to discover the absence of loss of

n.
1. a failure to hit, catch, hold, etc., whatever is aimed at

n.
1. a title placed before the name of an unmarried woman or girl
2. a title placed before the name of a place or activity which a young woman has been chosen to represent, usu. for reasons of beauty

damn blog

2005-04-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it's coz of the oven-like weather these days that i get pissed so easily..i always feel that it's the pissed person who's at fault not the person who pissed he/she off..too busy nowadys to take care of small little thingies..sorry to the people around me i guess..gotta have a last and final practice for my 2.4 tonight..nice to lead a fulfilling life..unlike last year..............quite glad that i MAY be getting a hp finally next week..if that mother's day essay gets published..if that is...and now im deciding between Nokia 6020 and sony ericsson k300..i prefer the nokia one in terms of design..but the ericsson one has mp3 feature (rather useless anw..only has a 12MB memory..)..but i would not want to buy a nippon product...hahax..i shall get the cash first then decide..dun want to get disappointed coz of myself..

less forever

2005-04-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

Last night was really great..havent been having fun for years..after school i went home to have dinner..and then accompanied jj to the clinic..my goodness..the doctor was so seh..since he couldn't speak chinese so i acted as the spokes-person of jj..i told him jj was suffering from throat infection..and blahblah..then at the end i asked him what actually resulted in all these problems..and guess what he answered-"throat infection"...-_- And guess what medicine he prescribed..antibiotics, painkiller and some throat soothing medicine..looks like any tom, dick or harry can become a clinician nowadays..and it cost her 22 bucks..anyway..after the clinic trip i pulled jj along to get a hair cut..the weather is damn hot nowadays..my hair really needs a trim..and i mean TRIM.. walked all the way to marine parade promenade..the first hair solon i saw was a stylish and rather well furnished one..i wanted to go in till i saw the price-$28.. No way..way too ex..i need to save up after just having received $66 from the ntuc thingie..yep i've always been super stingy..:p..next to this solon was another one..this one is damn old fashioned but the price was really attractive-$9..so without even lookig at the name of the solon (is it a solon anw..??) i went inside..the "hairstylists" were all malays and chit chatting away outside their shop..they looked really surprised when i went in..one of them asked me "you want to cut botak??"...then the person asked me what hairstyle i wanted to cut..then i said just cut short a bit..layer it and preferably cut my fringe as well..he looked very confident. My God..he didnt even know how to clip up my hair according to the layers..and they only had shavers and ONE pair of scissors and NO comb..i couldnt understand what the malay man said to me..neither could he understand what i was talking about. THEN i FINALLY realized what was actually going wrong..i went into a "BARBER shop"!!!!!!!!! there were only men there getting hair cut and pictures of only male models..i almost wanted to scream and get out of there right away..i couldnt stand what he had done to my hair..it ended up looking like a mushroom head..i told him i wanted it to be still tie-able..and...nvm..i told myself..tan xiao pian yi and thats the result.. hahahahaha..then jj was laughing like hell lol..and i was pleading her to please please please help to do something to make my hair at least presentable..so we went pp to get a comb that can be used to trim hair..i had to do some rescue work before my mum sees it..we had a hard time deciding where we should go to let jj trim my hair and finally decided on---PP B1 toilet (!!!!!!)..i know it sounds yucky..but no other choice what..i had to wet my hair..so i got that step done in the toilet basin..people thought we were either lunatics or les..then.. we went into a cubicle to do the rescue work..hahax..and jj was really pro man... though my hair became damn short but at least its presentable now..at least i wasnt ridiculed by anyone at school this morning..the toilet bowl was full of hair and the floor was in a mess too..i fret that we couldnt get the place cleaned up before leaving..honestly..i dont like my new hairstyle very much..jj insists that its very nice very nice..i look as though i have "aged" a few years over night..but funny though..most people that i met today said i look better with short hair..hahax..are they serious or not..i shall stop complaining abt my hair..it'll grow back sooner or later..but that experience was really unforgettable..sometimes we just have to try out new things to "feel" new feelings

torments

2005-04-12T21:49:00.000-07:00

What can u do in response when someone is torturing u continuously and deliberately..i cant stand the suffocation any more!!!! And i dont know how to voice out my pain..and no one is there to listen..obviously i cant tell her.. How how how how..this cant go any further.. help!!!!! Save me!!!!! I shall consult ppl who have gone through the same torments..but how..??? help help help help help..aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...My endurance has a limit lol..can i be granted just one day of break?? One day is more than enough for me..and i need it deperately..

I feel GooD!!!!!!!

2005-04-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

I damn happy today lol!!!! Happy Happy Happy Happy!!!!!!! My essay finally got published on friday weekly!!!!! I cant believe it myself either!! But just a little sad that it didnt get published a week earlier..but nvm..hahax.. :D Hope no one knows that essay is written by me actually..glad that i didnt use my real name.. One good thing is that im a step closer to my future hp..i guess i'd need at least nine more steps..
During CME today..Mr Kiw suddenly called a few ppl to ask how they can link their names to the word "ren2 (people+ two)"..he picked those whom he thinks have names that have connection with the word. Then oh no..he called me..and asked is "zhao" ur surname?? So duh lol..And i was damn stunned..how am i supposed to link "rui" with "ren"..and i was sort of wondering what does "ren" mean anw..then i started crapping my "rui" has a "wang" which has three horizontal strokes and "ren" has two horizontal strokes..hahahaha..so stupid right..then he cldnt stand it and stopped me saying," I can see that u dont know how to link ur name to 'ren'."..Kiw is..he definitely loves my surname..
Another thing that is worth celerbrating is that i finally succeeeded!!! Yep congratulate me..
Departures are never happy, but u have to remember that u are just a tourist..And..you'll be fine.

Flair..shall i use this word anw..

2005-04-04T21:26:00.000-07:00

What a magnificent day i had today..or shall i use another word today..rosy day..??? Hahax..crapped some damn blabbery nonsense at the yanjiang com today..wow..didnt expect myself to get into the finals in the first place..so how could i have won??!!! So..i didnt have much confidence in myself before the com..i guess i must have looked like a ridicule on stage..but well..i love my topic..rose..how romantic huh..why i say that today was a "magnificent" is sort of cuz my topic actually links well with the rest of the events in the day..no no no no no..of course nothing "romantic" happened..but funny things just pop up like roses..damn cute..:D Just realized that if we really wanna do something or say something we should just do it or say it loud..hesitation is pointless and stupid..if we just sit there and watch the opportunity slip away..regret is the only thing that we will get in return for our desire..sad..but its the fact..miracles wont fall from the sky for nothing..it seems like i know all those crap but..but am i doing things the way it says--just do it (advertising for Nike)?? I doubt it lol..Have been making so many mistakes recently..many of which are repeated ones..and the prob it that i dont learn. But what is supposed to be missed and what is not?? I have so much to say..but i dont know how to express myself.. whether in english, chinese, malay, tamil, french, german, japanese...(...) I hate the things that i post on blog..

Consider this: :

2005-03-31T08:15:00.000-08:00

Consider this: A guy and a girl were deeply in love, they had never quarreled, however recently, both of them had found new love, they did this just because they love each other too much..he's with another girl and she's with another guy..but they think they are still in love with each other. One day, the girl was hospitalized. The guy was happily on a shopping spree with his new love, forgetting all about his girlfriend. On the way to the hospital to visit the girl, the girl's new love dropped by at a shopping centre to get her some daily necessaties and a bouquet of roses. Don't know if this is called fate, the guy ran into the guy (the first one) with his new girl outside the cinema in the shoppng centre ..by the way..all the 4 of them know each other..(i guess all the 4 of them are lunatic)..so the guy was really shocked at the fact that guyA didnt seem to show any concern towards his ill girlfriend..(they are really mad huh..)..then the guy passed all the stuff he had bought for the girl to guyA and suggested that he should pay his girlfriend a visit..and rushed off..But who knows..that guy went ahead into the cinema for movies with his new love..

The poor girl had been lying in the hospital all the while thinking,"Where is he, I don't need him (the new "love") to take care of me..i only want HIM to come here and take a look at my present state..and let me feel his love for one last time....." She broke down.

I find this story rather touching..though it sounds damn wierd and contradicting..u need to get urself DEEP into the story in order to understand it.. :D

30th march..im not going to miss it again..

2005-03-30T16:11:00.000-08:00

Looks like im making things real obvious now..it's ok..whats the use of blog anw..and it doesnt concern me any more..so..why should i bother..hahahahaha..I have been feeling an unknown sense of uncertainty and curiosity towards today for months..expected today to be a really "special" day..It's just like the reason why i hate my own birthday..always expect my birthday to be the most special day of the year..always take that for granted..but year after year..i disappointed myslef..ended up realizing it's just like any other ordinary day..it's merely one of the days out of the 365 days in the year..expect that i called it "birthday".. I had the same expectation for today..though it's not my birthday..I thought very HIGHLY of today..that's why i insist on blogging today whether alive or dead, i know i wont be able to go online at home..so i shall do it in the school library. Decided to call it a day early last night..cuz i didnt want to sense, hear and watch "today" approaching..the agony was a torment. I struggled hard to put myself to sleep..counted sheeps and cows..guess i did fall asleep before 12am eventually. I was in the midst of my dreams when i heard my handphone ringing and vibrating beside me..i left the phone turned on last night just in case another blow of earthquake comes cuz i dont want to miss another one after having missed 2..when the earthquake struck the night befire last jj called me up but so sad i switched of my phone and slept through the "fun"..seriously i dont know how i will feel and react if i really sense an earthquake, esp for the first time, my immaturity makes me think it's "fun" but i guess i will paniic like hell if it really happens..jj told me her experience of the earthquake..it truly wasnt what i imagined..according to her description, everything was in chaos and people felt a sense of uncertainty and insecurity..no one knew what was going to happen..is tsunami the next thing that will follow? Will another blow of earthquake follow? What if all the buildings tumble down and we get buried alive in the debris? It is only when this kind of things happen that we know who are the ones most important to us..it's actually a test to reveal our innermost thoughts that even we ourselves never knew of. That's why i sort of WANTED to experience an earthquake..i mean a slight one..such minor shakes wont do much harm i guess..or maybe im wrong..(?) I shall swing back to last night..yep..jj called me up..i thought i should be near dawn already..but surprisingly it was only 1214pm..gosh..it's 30th march now..that was the first thing that came into my mind after i stepped out of dreamland entirely..we talked for about 50 minutes or so..i didnt worry about the numbers on my phone bills shooting up for once..coz i no longer felt like sleeping on such a day which was supposed to be "special"..ok..the day started off "special"..at least i wasnt doing what i usually do..the next morning..this morning..i woke up feeling extraordinarily awake..and completed my morning routine in seconds. Came to school afraid to see "special" things that i prefer to not to see..then i realized that i forgot to bring my pencil case.hahahahahax..and i have bio test today..just went to Katong park for CIP..ending up having fun in the playgrounf over there..the person in charge was no where around and Mdm Loh didnt care much.."banana boat" was fun..wow..we were like eggs getting fried in a pan..bumping up and down..then i tried the swings..i havent touched them for ages and i sort of miss them..i love that feeling..when i rose higher and higher into the sky..felt the winding blowing into my face..heard the thunder which sounded like applause amazingly..had the "top of the world feeling" instantly..."it's really a 'special' day!!!!"..i literally shouted that out..sorry to people who thought i was insane.. I didnt want to go to the canteen during recess today..but i still went cuz all the comps in the library were occupied then.
"Today" is almost ending..i just regained my consciousness and realized that i have no right to feel this sense of "speciality" at all..and the page shall turn after today.
Today is 30th March 2005.

bead beat

2005-03-23T20:51:00.000-08:00

I resign. My god..my cousin just killed me..cant stand her..i could die coz of that and im ald dead i guess..i dont care any more..and i shant..it's none of my business now..why should I fret so much anw? Who cares who cares..game over. And now my msn just clashed..what is happening huh.. ok i said i shant care. But i still pray that god would stay on my side..Im gonna change my daily routine..my perspective of life and all..from today..it's a bit late though but late is always better than never. I've become smarter huh? I've gone too far..how am i going to retrieve my old self and all things i have lost along the way..along the way..

EaT it..munch it..

2005-03-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

Let it be
Just let it be
What is done can never be undone
Want the planet to turn the other way round just for you?
No way!!!!

Wondering why you are you?
I wonder why
Let the hour hand go in an anti-clockwise direction
Allow the minute hand to head in its original direction
Time, STOP for me
Yet, REWIND for me
Now, PLAY!!!!!

Play a song of an unfamiliar voice
How I wish..
How I wish
It would play on forever
Just for me
STOP []
REWIND<<>

Why are there always retrictions
Interruptions
And Obstacles?
What about PAUSES?

It is merely an obstacle race
To be frank.
It's ok
I shall be the loser
If being the winner really makes you feel so good
Cross the finishing line
And you'll be the top of the world.

It's ok
Im fine.
Look at me
Here am I still at the starting line
Tying my shoe lace.

There you go,
With your shimmery medal.
I will still cheer for you
LOUD
Definitely.

mad

2005-03-19T11:30:00.000-08:00

Spent almost two hours last night staring at the same old sky..yah..im not that kind of boliao person who'd admire stars and moons out of no reason..guess im really going crazy..there're certain things that i just don't know how to accept..like..getting choked by a tomato pie..the "stare" was actually rather fruitful..I saw a meteor first time in all the 15 years of my life!!!! Can you believe it? A meteor!!! I was totally stunned when i saw it flying past..and before i could recollect what actually was happening and make a wish..it vanished into thin air..but that was just too coincidental and magical..why did i see my first meteor on such a day..Half an hour later..a pink cloud in the shape of a mushroom was floating in the sky..my goodness..the night sky went crazy with me..

happy happy happy!!!!

2005-03-18T11:36:00.000-08:00

Gosh!!!!!!! What a beautiful night it was!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn happy happy happy happy happy happy happy!!!!!!!!!!!! I decided to sleep without the air-con turned on..breezy nights are so rare in march..then i was determined to let the dj read out my dedication..coz they havent been reading any of mine for ages!!! Felt reali high..the most wonderful thing to do on earth is lie in bed..listen to the radio and sms ur best buddy..hahax i was laughing like hell when i heard jj's dedication..it was goshly comical and hahax i love the third sentence!!!!!!!!
Gosh dead now..heard some shocking news..dead dead dead..cant take it..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How??? Think i shall stop playing with fire..it's getting dangerous..seriously should..haiz...hopeless me..

carousel...

2005-03-17T20:44:00.000-08:00

Treat me to a ride on your carousel,
Here goes the bell,
Listen to my yell!

Haha heavenly life is coming to an end..sadness man..but seems that we can find substitutes in whatever aspects in life..

sorry

2005-03-16T19:46:00.000-08:00

Po-ko-ship-ta! Po-ko-ship-ta!!! This is not deliberate imitation, but an uncertain hidden reply..sorry..po-ko-ship-ta says it all..
Feel rather guilty for leaving dazu early today, it was the last dazu for us and all the com members were feeling damn sad..i just left like that without even making an effort to help to clear up the stage and why did i do this..not for pleasure actually..but.for what..i really dont know for sure.jj and i juz went to the mountbatten road busstop and we decided to board any bus that will come first and take it to the interchange at the other end of Spore..I've been wanting to do that for quite some time already..ever since we took the bus to and fro clementi to search for my lost handphone....crazy huh..but couldnt fork out 2hrs..It definitely wasnt for FUN..but what was it for..i really have no idea as i have said..
4 years in cs..i do have regrets..hav to admit that it's not the most ideal cca for me..but i've learnt a load from it..thanks cs..
Gosh..i've been writing damn hell unmeaningful..or rather meaningless..blog entries recently..sighz at myself lahx..

when is the snow going to melt??

2005-03-12T21:11:00.000-08:00

Another blog entry deleted. Guess i have deleted 4 or 5 entries in all..all those that i published recently..when i read them a few days later..i'd juz delete em..
This cant go on any longer..
The sun is setting and the moon is emerging..
People are heading back
And you are still there
Waiting and waiting
You know you will end up with nothing in the end
But you insist on trying your luck
Though you have been warned that luck would never be on your side.
You tell yourself this is a bet
It's either a win or loss-50:50
If you dont give it a try
It'd be 0.
So you stay there
Rooted to the ground
Like an old stubborn tree.
People come and go
Time follows.
Spring was here a moment ago
And now it's cold winter
When is the snow going to melt
To reveal the lush greenery beneath?
When can you grow back your leaves?
When can you bloom once more?
Your are waiting
Still waiting..
I told you to give up
You turned a deaf ear.
It's pointless, i said
You replied, you will let go when time admits defeat.

Can I go now??..Taking you with me??

a moment of glory followed by a moment of sympathy??

2005-02-28T21:13:00.000-08:00

Hahax..was reading through my own blog entries..the last entry was so..erm..well made me think of one "string of unrelated phrases" which i wrote in pri6..yep i know that was like almost 4 yrs ago..but sadly i actually feel that what i wrote then was much more meaningful than what i write nowadays..i dont take e lit unfortunately..so..cant make much improvement anyway..feel like announcing to the whole world that i actually got an A1 for my O lvl chinese.. damn shuang..i thought A1 would be totally impossible for me cuz i flung the first paper-listening..guess there must be some prob with my ears..i only got 7 out of 10 for that..what a shame..Then the oral wasnt too great either..both of the examiners were laughing like hell at the conversation part..what was their prob lol..or my prob..then i lost my zhaoju notes..how do u expect me to study.. But i got a distinction!!!! Looks like im showing off..sorry..But sometimes..no..at all times..the word "justice" does not exist..wonder who's the lame guy who came up with such a vague, empty and transparent and non-existing word. U go for a calligraphy competition, people who write worse than u can grab a prize..and what do u get..u get the regretful and unjust feeling.. U may think im a bad loser coz i didnt win yesterday's competition and still had to help others collect their prizes..fine. There're people who hardly put in any effort and still pass with flying colours for tests..and me..study like hell..esp for chem tests.. and my hardly work seldom pays off.. My mum claims that it's the problem with my "method" of studying.. Maybe it's true..on an infertile piece of land, no matter how much time and effort u spend on it..how much water and fertilizer u supply it with..u still wont get your fruit.

Come and Go

2005-02-26T21:48:00.000-08:00

With the wind,
Comes your scent;
With your scent,
Comes your voice.
Here am I,
Making noise.
I've never made a right choice.

Your stare,
The depth of your glare,
I care.
There's nothing in common that we share,
This isn't fair!

You entered my diary without a knock,
Is this trespassing or not?
I shall set you free from the jail of my thoughts,
It's time for you to get lost.

Your breath,
My thoughts that you have read,
I dread.
There's nothing wrong that you've done, I swear,
I'm mad.

Your world was once my heaven,
This shall now be forgotten.
I shall dismantle the dreams I have woven,
It's time for me to get awakened.

With the wind,
Goes your scent;
With your scent,
Goes your voice.
There you are,
So distant,
Yet so near for once.

What is this, a poem? Or just a chain of unrelated phrases???

How can i ever disremember..????

2005-02-23T20:14:00.000-08:00

So long, farewell, aufviedersehn, good-bye!!!!!!!!!! what else can i say anyway..
Damn happy happy happy today despite all the mess...coz the fog has been cleared..for the time being at least..yippeeeee!!!!!! I sound much more pleasant now right?? And that all the tests of the week are over!!!!!!!!! But...ya..

U'll hold onto the rope as long as the rope is still holding onto the pole..wont u?? What if the rope breaks away from the pole?? What would u do then????

broken into pieces..

2005-02-18T22:11:00.000-08:00

Looks like this kopfkissen blog is becoming my real blog..amazing..if u happen to drop by..please try not to read this entry..u'll regret..cos its bound to spoil ur day..im serious..
ZR is no doubt dead dead dead. i found the killer, it's not me. Remember how she was like last year? Happy go lucky is the way to say. She's alwayz full of flaws but at least is happy most of the time if not alwayz. Now i can hardly find things that can make me force a smile. Met my last years cme teacher during recess a few days ago..she asked me," How come u look so pallid? The zr i used to know is not like this. Are u ok?" what happened..it seems that nothing wrong has happened, but yet everything seems to have gone wrong. Yesterday, someone said jj looks like one who's in a relationship..then i asked her if i look like as though im in a relationship, she said "no"..coz i hardly smile these days and look as if im juz out of love. I tried extremely hard to bring the ZR back today..but certain things just punch me right on the heart..it's not just a shallow description of feeling..but i could really feel the pain..it's like someone is trying to pinch and squeeze ur heart so as it will stop beating eventually. And u'd never to able to guess who or what the "fist" is. No..it's not THAT.

im beginning to doubt if i should still trust the word "trust".

Jj is at kallang KFC now..not alone..and im at home..half drunk and half alone. Theres a wall of fog building up between the two of us lately..i bet she thinks im avoiding her for no reason. No, im not trying to avoid her at all. Guess both of us are over exhausted. All this is happening coz we remind each other of what we are supposed to forget, we want to dump our memories..and it's sort of becoming us dumping each other. The thickness of the fog between us is directly proportional to the need to forget those stuff, k..take them as x and y respectively, the equation to show their relationship would be y=x and the gradient would be 1. the graph passes through the origin and is exactly identical to the on that u use to find the resistance of a resistor in a circuit.. nowi understand how doris is feeling these days completely now..guess i just have to get used to this kind of situation. Juz realized she isnt smiling a lot lately too.we two make good company. Best friends~ did u realize that u get angry with ur best friend more often than ur normal friends??? We enroll our best friend into our world..and what they see is our real self..even ur flaws cant be hidden from them..we tend to expect and request more from them..yes i have to admit that i expect tons from jj..at least i expect her to not to share stuff abt our friendship with others.. u may say im narrow minded..yes..fine..i cant enroll anyone else into my small little tiny world..Looks like her lifeliness and my deadness are pulling us apart.. it seems tt we are trying to punch each other in the exact same way, same direction and on the exact same spot. i havent shed a tear for ages, but u'll soon find me in tears. I dont wish blog will become the communication media btween me and jj. I've had enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But i know no one's at fault. Maybe its juz coz too many things are going on nowadays.. hardly have any mood to do my tests..flung my physics tests today
It's a sin to live life miserably.
What I need is some courage, some pride, some ice breaker.

New year...

2005-02-09T22:06:00.000-08:00

Hurray..!!! My cousin's coming to s'pore tomorrow..finally can have a few days away from damn hell school work..but on second thougt, perhaps i really should start to get more serious with my work..lit and physics tests next fri..and i hevant even done my jianbao yet..there wont be any time to do any work for the rest of the week..haiz..i really HAVE to believe in God now.. sometimes God really aids you in making crutial decisions..ok..i shall end my day early today..im gonna get up at 5am tomorrow to complete my jianbao..

Life..RoX or SuX???

2005-02-08T15:49:00.000-08:00

Everyday seems to be similar..or rather identical..making me damn sian and even a little irritated..people people people people!!!!! oh dear..im becoming like mr siva now....aaaaahhhhahahahahahahahah!!!! oh no..im going crazeeeeaaaay.. when temperture is below optimum..enzyme activity is damn slow but at least it increases gradually in proportion to the temperature..when the optimum temperature is obtained..enzymes go nuts..after which..they slow down until they denature..sad sad sad..so whatever u do..dont go too far..or u are bound to lose ur way..im really losing my way now..like a gallopping horse out of control.. anyway..todae's new year's eve.. im gonna use the last few hours of the year of the monkey to cool myself down..and cool my brain cells down..and really sit down to THINK..dunno what's gone wrong with myself these days..it's like my IQ is plunging every single day..when i wanna switch off the living room light..i'd go and turn on the kitchen light..taking the lift to the first floor, i'll press "4".. what the heck..i seem to be so preoccupied..but with what..???? a few minutes ago..i went into my room to get my calculator but after i entered my room..i forgot what i went there for..frustrated..hope it's simply due to lack of sleep..

i dun wanna care anymore

2005-02-05T17:27:00.000-08:00

i shall write this before hand..that unless u'll die or something..please try not to read this entry..whenever ppl ask me if they can link me..i'll say sure..but try not to read my entries..to me..blog entries are for myself not for others..it's supposed to be private..it's not that i have secrets or wadeva inside them..juz that i dont want to arise unnecessary misunderstandings or disagreements..everyone holds different views on things after all..
im deadly damn tired of guessing games..these days i've been asking myself,"is it really that difficult to tell what im thinking?" No what..i show what i feel..cuz im really lousy at hiding things..i cant hide secrets..esp my own ones..neither can i hide my feelings..i tried to do so..i mean in times when i feel blue..but i always thought im such a dumbo that i dont know how to hide my inner most feelings and thoughts.. But..ever since the starting of this year..many of the sec4 prc gals dont seem to like me very much..what did i do to them..?? Did i cast a spell on them..?? they began to pick up a new hobby..which surprisingly is guessing what am i thinking about..im not referring to all the sec4 prc gals..but some of them only..what is there abt ME to guess abt?? Most of them hardly know me..and they THINK they can tell whatever im thinking..after my each action..they'll try to make out my "real" intention and purpose of that action.. whenever i say something..they'll then try of fish out the "actual" meaning behind my words..what the heck??!!! and this thing is getting more and more serious day by day..its spreading like influenza..then they'll share with other their "conclusions".. whats wrong with me..or what's wrong with them..?? They claim that im a person wih many layers..showing only the outer most layer..and that even my best friend doesnt understand me at all..but why me..?? I dont think im really an interesting "specimen" to examine..of course im far from perfect..so not everyone has to love me..but..can these ppl juz stop this game..ok..if u have any doubt juz approach me can??? If u have been reading this entry till now..please please DO stop here.dont go any further..please..if u have some basic respect in me..
Jj has neva left shufa without informing me..but that was exactly what she did yesterday..she only reached home at 11pm and i was so damn worried..and the first sms she sent to me after her return was..im angry with u..pls lol..who should be angry with whom?? i didnt even ask her where she had been.. not that i didnt bother but at least i need to have some trust and faith in her..i trusted that she wont be off doing things that hurt me..i didnt ask..and she didnt say.. all the while she had been asking me to help her get more info of her pillow..i've really been helping her hard..yesterday during shufa i was telling her the info i have gathered..and she said she suspect i was thinking "what i wasnt supposed to think of"..that wasnt the first time she had that lame suspicion..yep "y" (shldnt mention her name) was beside her along..and she was listening to our conversation..or rather eavesdropping.. and that suspicion of hers alwayz shoke our friendship.. the 3rd and last sms jj sent to me last nite was,"'y' told me what u are thinking about..since both of u are shanghainese..she shld be able o tell..that makes me more and more unable to understand u"..it was like a needle poking all the way through my heart..i can swear that im not exaggerating..yes..i was deeply deeply hurt.. i replied her,"if u think she knows me better than you do..fine..its all up to you..i dont care." who's being ridiculous..?? "y" is another one of the gals who enjoys playing the game..and now this burning game is beginning to scald the friendship between jj and me.. what on world is going on?? I dont like anyone to interfere into our friendship.. i was really disappointed at jj..and im still disappointed at her now..tt she actually let others get in between our friendship and took her words about me to heart..i dont wan anyone to interfere..so i chose not to share this with anyone..but its really awfully painful to carry all this load myself.. tml..the 4 of us are going out..i need some time some time to let the both of us "refresh" and cool down..but cant avoid seeing her tml..i decided not to call her today..since she hasnt replied my question,"who knows me better, 'y' or you?" and yes..i hate ppl to use the word "shanghainese" to describe me..i hate i hate i hate to be a shanghainese..to be frank..i feel ashamed to be born in shanghai..i'd rather be born in Zimbabwe..u get what i mean?? Shanghainese are all so complicated, practical, calculative, petty and arrogant..i cant really make such a sweeping statement..well the majority are so..glad that i only spend 6 years of my life in Shanghai..and im proud to say that Shanghai didnt affect me much in terms of my charatcer..i really dont know whats gonna happen between me and jj..are we really through juz coz of some outsider?? So wats the use of saying craps like "friends forever".."bez friends 4ever"..are they are empty talk?? Im really beginning to doubt the meaning of "friend"..friend: when the two of u are in the same class..u share all secrets and gosspis with each other and spends hours on the hp each day..when u graduate and get into diff classes or schools.. u'll say keep in touch and again..friends forever..1 month after graduation..u'll stop calling each other..and only send seldom and short smses..4 months after graduation..you merely send e-mails when u are too bored and cant find nothing else to do..half a year after graduation..when u run into each other on the road..u may find some place to sit down and talk..but the hings u now talk about wld be totally diif fr what u used to talk about..it'd juz be things like hows school..how do you like your school..how are the subjects u are sudying..all those conventional talk..more than a year after graduation..when u see each other in the streets..u'll juz say hi and walk away. Well, that's cruel fact..cant really say that its us, human being's fault..coz ppl tend to become more and more distant when they dont spend time with each other..coz ppl change everyday...u go that way and she goes the other way..of coz they'll get further and further..
Gals are gals..though im also supposed to be a gal as well..the friendship between gals are always so fragile..yes..fragile is the correct word to use.. today she's angry with u..and tomorrow u are angry with her..dont u think this "phenomena" is rather annoying..??? cant gals juz be more relaxed and be a little less narrow-minded??

Horror..

2005-02-04T21:42:00.000-08:00

Real horror..HeLp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Consulting shifu now..reali at my wits end.. can drop chem or not hah???no no no no!!! I shant give up!!!3 cheers for M[4]de in [H]eaven!!! confirm to get top 4 liaoz..buttop 4 is definitely not enuf for us!! We wanna get first!!! Spend so much effort on it..hopefully we wont disappoint ourselves..jj is reali making me worried..she's not home yet till now lolz..she was dismissed at 530..and i could only go back after 630..normally she'd wait for me at the foyer..but she claims tt she's angry wif me for talking with fourkers..but dunno lahz..gals gals gals..so complicated..wanna juz be a stupid dumb guy..gay's also alright..wat a feelingless week..what a breezeless and sleepless night i had yesterday..the walls of my room got painted yesterday..it stank..so gotta sleep in the living room..no air-con..no breeze..sofa was rather nice to sleep on actually..its better to change to a new environment when u r tired of the old one..sian sian sian sian..dunno if i shld do my maths hw or not..wont have much time to do my own stuff tml lolz..one eye in TV screen..one eye on comp screen..wow..wanna go for a swim now..but my mum doesnt allow lolz.. coOl..my cousin's arriving on thurs..too many places to bring her to see..she rox man.ppl say we look like twins..hahax..bored bored bored..gosh..so "you3 yuan2" with Mr Kiw yesterday..ran into him thrice and got caught by him twice for having my school U untucked..sighz...wat's the use of his "spot checks" anw..as if peeps will start having their u tucked in properly after receivng a lecture fr him..its useless lol..ppl hu want to tuck in their shirt will always tuck it in with or w/o Mr Kiw but for ppl hu refuse to tuck in their shirt..they wont bother abt Mr Kiw..no no no no no no im not trying to criticise our dear discipline master neither im i not shuang at him for catching me..but juz crapping lahz.

maths maths...

2005-02-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

maths lesson now..dunno wat shes talking abt lahz..blah blah blahz...the wait outside the comp lab was a horror..neva seen 4H being soooo united before..that was reali class spirit..everyone literally shouted in unison..wow..amazed..shouldnt mention too much abt tt..hahax..lowest for chem once again..but it wasnt MY fault time time round kk??? Not my fault!!!!!! but feel rather sad though..made some nice new ..but__discoveries today..dunno wat i say abt em..com meeting tmr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wanna faint..meetings..hell..

FOC Holiday

2005-02-01T15:35:00.000-08:00

Lalalalalala...was telling jj last night that i'd need a break today..but i didnt reali mean "break" as reali a "break" from school literally..woke up this morning like any other day..ready to start my morning routine..then suddenly thought that i reali shouldnt go to school today..i really do need a break..mr tomato needs a break too..:) Imagine left for school at 7am..and back home only at 830pm..yep..that was my "monday"..yesterday..deadly worn out by the time i was home..i didnt go out to have fun or wat..i was at school till 6 plus putting up the shufa exhibition and doing the class notice board..then went for music theory class..planned to sleep at 9 last night in order to get up at 4am todae to study Bio..cuz dun wanna get any more lectures fr Sim..I reali want to study "sincerely" this time..yep cuz my bio sux..im not so lucky to alwayz pass exactly on the dot lolz..then i didnt practise scales as well..bound to get sighs fr my teacher again tonight..and i certainly need a break!!!!!!!!! I've had this sad flu since last week or so..hasnt recover till now..i reasoned with my parents..and they let me sleep till 10 and wrote Loh QY a letter..my Bio revision is going rather ok now..but as for the other two tests of the week..eh..im not too sure.. Last week's C lit test was really a joke..first time going for a lit test without any revision..dunno wats Lian gonna say..luckily he always calls me up in class..so at least i know the "diangu-s" a little..i dont like tests and tests dont like me either.. ok..fair and square.. The only thing is that jj's gonna kill me tml.. feeling quite guilty that our class noticeboard may not be able to be completed on time.. well..im still searching for the 1mx1m cardboard..poor jj..gotta walk to the busstop alone today..school's over by now..i shall go and continue working on that "carousel"..nice piece..requires u to play the piano like a guitar..havent been practising pieces so hard for half a year already..

fall

2005-01-29T21:40:00.000-08:00

When something is about to fall..shall we just let it fall or hold it with all ur might to keep it from falling..?? Sometimes it's reali rather tiring to bring unstable things back to a stable equilibrium..physics..maybe we should just let it fall as it wish..we'll all get worn out when trying to hold too many things in place..

lost everything over night

2005-01-28T20:43:00.000-08:00

The only word that I can say now is "sigh......!!!!!" ..everything and everyone can be overpowered by devils no matter how determined or stable they appear to be.. friendship, too, shake in times of storms and wind.. I've been staring at the blinking cursor for 15 minutes already..too much to say.. too little to write..tired of eating from the same store in the school canteen every single day..should make some changes here..but sometimes..dont u think its better not to eat from any of the stores..?? That way..u'll never get tired.. U should know what I mean..

The whole world

2005-01-24T14:47:00.000-08:00

ZR is dead..leaving only her shell behind. I assassinated her.

days..

2005-01-22T19:39:00.000-08:00

Now im seriously beginning to doubt the purpose of blogs..are they for ppl to pour out their feelings or juz a shallow mean of communication?? i really dunno.. guess im juz using blogs for complaining purposes..cant imagine having others reading everything i feel and think..my inner most thoughts to be precise..is a rather scary thing to have others knowing all ur thoughts.. it will be like u no longer belong to urself..ur soul is sold..and my handphone..erm..yep..hopeless..anticipating my father's return..coz he seems to be my only hope now..next week's tests haiz..A maths is alwayz giving me most prob..all those trigo thingies..identities..i dunno them..neither do they know me..at least i see some light in my chem now..that's a good thing..
The news was reporting today that the indonesian government is trying its best to set up temporary schools for the kids down there..then i was telling my mum as if they will die if they miss a few days of school..they my mum replied that schooling will help them to get over the disaster sooner coz education is the most powerful thing..gosh..that was excatly what kiw said to wash our brains.. i said,"the schools' education changes us for the worse.." schools just listen to the government..when the government says,"now i want ppl specialized in xxx.." then schools will obey and train xxx ppl..syllabus is changed now and then juz to tailor to the government's needs... what's the use of Kiws "discipline theory" anw.. ppl juz pretends to be "disciplined" in the way he wants infront of him.. when out of his sight..we are back to our "undisciplined" selves again.. but undeniably..Kiw has won over a couple of ppl over the yrs..by telling those stories of his..juz hoping that those can move us and start to have some respect in him.. but teachers really contradict each other..so whom to listen too..?? some teachers see u using hp juz infront of them..they keep both their eyes closed without saying a word..then some..they want ur life if u let them catch a glimpse of a hp..can those teachers juz come up with a standardized system or rule??? As if we cant study with our shirts/ blouses untucked.. want i cant stand is Loh's lack of respect for students..during flag rasing..she spots me with my blouse untucked..she wants me to tuck it in..?? No prob!! Sure thing!! But u know what she always did..up she lifts my blouse..before i even know whats goin on.. And this is discipline?? hmm.. and when she finds one strand of ur hair out of place or unclipped..u know whats gonna happen next..im not saying that i dont appreciate "discipline" but juz that it cant go too far..

hpless me..

2005-01-20T17:17:00.000-08:00

seems like i havent been online for ages..am i addicted to the net or what..?? Gosh!!!!! God!!!!! I lost my handphone!!!!!!!!! HPless life to me means HoPeless k.. it was lost on the 196 yesterday..it juz slipped out of my pocket lolx!!! Coz i had a packet of sweets in my pocket..so tt i wont fall asleep during Q and sim's lesson..and plus my wallet..it was "overcrowded"..when zy lost her hp for the first time..i told her i was so jealous tt she cld get a new hp whenever she lost one..and i hated that hp of mine..but now i lost it..and im missing it deadly.. hp..please come back!!!!!!!!!! when from bedok interchange all the way to clementi interchange then back to bedok interchange again..just to catch up with a bus painted with "jetstar" ad..finally got onto it at 9pm..just as i had expected..the search ended up with nothing..so now..im hpless..thinking og going to terminate my sim card tonite..hahax..at least i still have my number.. but wat make me didnt "regret" losing it is that jj made me so touched by being with me all along..from 430pm all the way till 900pm..she was even more worried than me lolx!!! What makes me more speechless is that my hp battery was already flat yesterday morning..so inspite that i smsed the hp..dont think anyone'll see it..and contact or wadeva..so hopeless arhz..
Reali love jj..i told her if i were a guy i'l definitely marry her..she'll even get into a dead fierce with with someone juz to stand up for me lol!!! I was deeply touched..but maybe if those kinda things happen again..juz let it be..dun have to explain ourselves to ppl who dun even noe us well..not everyone has to like us..u have ppl whom u dont like..cant anyone dislike u too..?? misunderstanding is one of the inevitable things in life..we were born misunderstood..too bad.. so sad lolz..sad sad...
Practically didnt accomplish much this wk..3 sad teat nxt week..dont think tml's holiday will be of much help..mon and tues piano piano..i wanted to settle down to do some work yesterday..but ended up searching for my dear hp from east to west..if it was not coz of my mom..i'd have skipped school todae..juz feel over-exhauted of this kinda daily routines.. but anyway.. God does exist..after what happened yesterday..
but so many such similar "happenings" occurred continuously..cant stand them..juz too spooky..yesterday..the before before yesterday..hair standing man..
almost one wk of precious time wasted..juz wrote a damn damn sad essay.. seems to be meaningless.. ppl will think im insane..guess only jj can understand it..but looks like its getting more and more meaningless as the day goes by.. juz need to write some..hoping one fine day i'll have enough money to get a hp for myself.. that wat hell "Henry Roobinson's Award"..hopeless lah..but if i could get it..perhaps i may be able to afford a hp..or shall i juz use my savings..??
sighs at that essay..
but u know what..friends are the ones who make u happy..but at sad times..they make u sad too..they are ur friends ur buddies..but they still do not BELONG to u..i can say that jj knows me so well that she can already subsitute me..but..shes not mine!!! U cant keep a friend in ur pocket or ur safe or drawer.. and dont let any one touch him/her..thats one of the elements of friendship..
Juz want my hp back..i still owe my parents last month's hp bill..maybe i shall juz rob a bank..since my dad has two hps..maybe i shall juz "giab" one of those.. gee..
one week is ending..im worrying about next week ald..this is life..??? Everyday get up when life is still asleep..eat breakfast without even knowing its taste.. rushing to school in "ambulance"..trained like a dog in "school'..go back home..end of the day..coz always to worn out to do any thing else..
teachers claim that what we ppl write on blogs are all "wu2bing4sheng1ying3-s".. they think that we never have any thing to be sad abt and to worry abt..but guess its the current world that's changing us..teenagers have become sad peeps..
Yesterday is history..his-story..let today be YOUR story!!!!!!!!!!!!

From..???

2005-01-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

From chaos comes clarity..
From loss comes gain..
From dispute comes hope..

???????

2005-01-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

Dont know what's going on nowadayz..went to school barely for a week but im so damn tired of things already..sitting with someone whom i dont want to sit with the most..but realized that it's not that bad after all..coz to forget the fact that im sitting with such a person..i put my whole heart and soul into the lessons..wow..never knew that i would actually be able to understand those lessons one fine day..i suddenly became an angel huh..?? I'm really tired of things..everything's so routine like..nothing can be taken for granted..life sux like hell..you know something..whenever u wanna meet someone by coincidence, there's little chance that u can really meet him/ her..but if u really dont wanna see someone..you'll surely run into him/her..wonder why life's like that..Loh was asking in hcl lesson today "what is life in ur interpretation?"..to me life's just a shadow..bio project..chem worksheet..physics test..hahax that channel 8 tv show is so funny..no man can be trusted..but oh well..as if any woman can be trusted..we are all human beings after all..my mum is locking me at home..she doesnt even let me go to the library..im really a typical puppet....

Goodbye 2004!!!!!!!

2004-12-31T21:39:00.000-08:00

I wanted to wait till 1159pm of 31 dec 2004 to publish my last entry of 2004..but since i have nothing better to do now..guess i shall juz write it now.. Byez 2004~~Sayoranna..Selamat Jalang..Zai jian..2005's juz about 3hrs away..days in sec school reali flew past..sec1 orientation 3yrs ago seems like yesterday..but this yr's rather different though..sort of grew up quite a lot and learned lots of things tt arent found in lame textbks..2004 was a rush..but in the rush i caught some new things too..my dad is telling me, after today..u'll turn 16..a lot of ppl can be bread winners of the family when they reach 16..wow..neva knew il be so old one fine day..i was juz discussing with jj yesterday about "new year, new ideas, new destination, new love"...hahax perhaps i shall start to love MYSELF a bit more..maybe i shall "move" to a new blog nxt yr too..but i haven't decided yet..i had neva looked forward to be in one of those classrooms on the 4th level in the sch..hate to reach sec4..too old..sec3 is the most wonderful and colourful year!!! Well..over is over, i cant practically let time stop for me.. time has ald sped past me..at least i treasured it, i used it..no regret.. But if i were to die tomorrow..i still hav tons of things yet to be completed..
2005..it's like an annonymous gift covered with velvet cloth..no one is able to guess what is it actually..every year is such a gift..some are bombs, some are viruses..some are cash..then what is the one waiting for us right now?? I'm all prepared to see it being revealed!!

sadness..

2004-12-30T19:45:00.000-08:00

I was quite happy at first todae lol..finally cld go out..even it was juz to the library lolx..haeyzzz..i reali feel utterly grateful to God tt i hav a real close friend..a real confidant..if u ask me to choose btween juz havin one close friend with no other friend, and havin dozens of normal friends..il definitely choose the first option lol..sighz..without a friend to pour out secrets to, its like u hav to leave everythin u feel, deep in ur own heart and let it rot with time..that's sad..
I told my parents im gonna be a "herbivore" for 3 days to show condolence towards ppl who died in the tsunami..hahax..no one believed me..true, i had neva lived a day without meat..heeheex..
Do u believe in the existence of a perfect human being??..sighz..i neva wanted to believe in this...
Gotta go to school again tml..well new year's eve..wat a special way to celebrate it..
I really doubt the word "fate" now..
Its hard to write sth on blog..cant write too much..cant write too little..

Weariness..

2004-12-29T19:30:00.000-08:00

Another day of my dear little holiday is gone..wasted half of my day one tidying my room..gosh..even discovered some P6 worksheets on my desk!!Said goodbye to smsing ald..my mum said i have to pay the extras myslef..guess i exceeded more than 10 bucks this months lolzz..Really wanna go sentosa for the "nation's countdown" thingie..wow..u know that kinda big big parties where lots of ppl havin fun and dancing together..wow..But it seems to be impossible though..my parents and my wallet are my obstacles lol..sighz..i juz came to realize tt the contents in my blogs are getting a little happier gradually..tt's a gd sign..holiday is a good cure after all..i tried to study my maths today..but no matter how hard i tried, i still couldnt help falling asleep lol..im juz super bored..nth much to do online lately..cant even log onto msn..yawnzz..wanna find sth meaningful and crazy to do..

frustration rawks

2004-12-28T21:12:00.000-08:00

went to school for lame cca stuff at 9 todae..my precious sleep..then my whole day was gone..luckily i escaped the last part of the shufa chop thingie..and got home at 4 plus..i got to touch my piano at least once in a wk wat..so i came back juz for this lolxx..friday still gotta go for another session of "rehearsing"...actually yep i missed sch..though ive been back to school infinite times during the hols..but at least not gettin locked in sch whole day long and for the whole wk..sch rawks lah..if u exclude all those "dog trainers"..at least u can see lots of ppl in school..and at home..juz the walls..my parents dun let me out ald..coz always return after "curfew" time..sadness..well it's my own fault actually..prison's life's gonna end this wk anyway..tt's gd..but guess wat..the moment i hold a book in my hands..i start to dose off..yux man..i can only keep myself awake when im infront of the comp..sleep at 2 every MORNING lolx.. still gotta wake up at 8..now whenever i see postcards..feel like wanting to vommit..its becoming like my holiday hw..

time to get back to reality..

2004-12-26T13:35:00.000-08:00

Thai holiday's over ald..in other word's hols is over..x'mas was reali cool this time round..got lotzz of nice prezzies..and music in chiangmai wasnt bad too...spent x'mas eve on the coach..quite sad though..frienster sux..i dun understand y we hav to upload some photos tt dun even look like ourselves..i chose to not put up any anw..do u belive in fate?? i do now..esp after the trip..gosh the tour guide's name..i was like..wow..nvm..dun wanna mention too much abt that..can say this hol was a disaster..its still a disaster since its not compleletly over yet..left half of the maths ws blank..wonder wat wil happen if the new maths tcher greets us wif a SPRiNg test..tink i'l juz hav to stare at the ppr till she says time's up..i noe nth abt tt "radians" topic..n wonder y i dun even bother to check it out this hols..k well im rather surprised tt i actually noe the name of this topic..and tt emaths chapter tt i missed..gosh loads of work to catch up with..y am i not those kinda genius hu find sch work chicken feet.. whether its maths or bio or physics or chem..reali jealous man.. and yep tt eng hw..muz read 3 gay classics..guess which one i am at?? 0.. dun think im gonna reali any..waitin for one of those GENIUSES to let me "clone" one..ah!!!!!! u noe wad im goin to say now~~ Stress!!!!!!!!!! luckily my cousin will be coming after chinese new year..sth new to look forward to..im actulaly reali lookin forward to sch reopening lah..so many ppl tt i havent met for 2 mths..but its juz all the maths thing tt's been bothering me lolxx..think i shld hav more faith in myself..YES!!!! I CAN DO IT!!!!! k..well..i'll try..my best..

FuN!!!!!! :D

2004-12-16T16:03:00.000-08:00

gosh had fever last nite..38.55oC...the doc and my parents both call this HIGH fever lol..iseem to be xtra normal wat..when i called jj she even doubted if i was having "fake" fever so tt i dun hav to go for cs stuff todae..she claimed tt i sounded too NORMAL hahax..fever rawks man~!!!! coz the way u think and the way ur brain nerves work are diff when u are down with fever lol..i felt like smsing a v stupid dedication to 933..i almost to do tt lol..but in the end i didnt do tt..i was still rather NORMAL as a person havin high fever..fever's fun!!!u hav more courage when havin fever..when u reali reali luv someone..u shld juzz go forward and tell him/her ur flns towards him/her..but
its alwayz as difficult as gettin the moon so juz get urself a fever then u wld hav the courage to do that..for ppl with xtraordinarily clear minds
this may seem to be imposs still..so gettin urself drunk is the only route but..
yah..all the above is crap by a fever lunatic person..juz dun bother thankx....

hahahahahahahahahahaha

2004-12-14T09:08:00.000-08:00

nothing happened..bored like hell..
some things in life are juz soooooooooooooo funny..yux...so coincidential..
woow..amazinggggggggggggg

2004-12-12T20:44:00.000-08:00

guess my entries these few days is reali sort of fuyan..im reali envious of everyone lol!!! No one's hols is lyk mine..no one's lookin forward to sch reopenin..and me reali tired of hols..im tried tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im not physically tired but psychologically tired!!!!!!!!!! im tired..its lyk everyones expectin so much fr me..my parents are squeezing me lyk hell..THEIR definition of hols is rotting at hm is goin thr all my sec 3 work all over again lol..wat is this crap..i've done all those hol hw..n gosh..there's more to come
im definitely not goin to that les cs chalet tml!!!!!! I completely otally entirely tired of cs..esp tt com..regret joinin it in the first place..it makes ppl soo worn out..it makes ppl tired of sch..life..and all
Get wad i mean..???
i wanna slack at hm for one day..juz one day..in my lalaland..doing nth
Sleepin for more than half a day wont be bad too
Gosh relieved tt i dun hav to go fo the chalet tml
i actually WAS lookin forward to it few days ago
but suddenly dun fil lyk goin todae
yaeh well..im changeable

wilberts so damn shuai!!!!! But well yes rather short..i luv his voice gosh soo deep and manly..n i luv humourous guys!!! k wat m i tokin abt..he's juz an idol..

Real Hols!!!!

2004-12-11T22:29:00.000-08:00

Dalalala!!!!! My real hols is here!!! gosh..this is wat i call life k?? luckily i neva wore my watch todae..coz i alwayzz feel super secured wif a watch on my wrist..but i didnt want this kinda fln todae!!!! went to bugis to take neoprintzz first..then went to imm to pan shuai!!!!! Gosh my idol!!!! but im sure il de-idolize him real soon..still rmb tt tym i was so damn crazeay ova robben..n now hahax threw awaeeey his fotos ald..hahaxx..that chinese sayin 3 mins hotness..nice translation..few mths ago i was a little crazy over ocean too..bought a REAL UNpirated cd for once..hahax..now i leave it collectin dust lolzzz..i reali almost wanted to get wilbert's cd todae to get his sig..but well i know myself too well..dunno hu wld be my nxt idol huh..?!?..got back at 8 todae..my mum got so worried..i was too lazy to check my hp for missed calls..hahax..bad gal..bad boy i mean.. jj's reali making me mad..!!! Gosh entered my frenztr account and posted crazeay fotos..dunno wad i shld do to her anw..almost the first eventful day so far in this holiday perhaps..well better than none..hahax..

Yipee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-12-10T08:31:00.000-08:00

im a freed les!!!!!! Goin to IMM to see pan shuai tml!!!! Gosh hes definitely a ChArMeR!!!! Gosh luv his soft hair..luv his kinda shuai lol!!! Hahax..k im too much but juz havent been enjoyin myself for some tym ald..wow only one day..how to treasure..mmm..but make FULL use of tml...

Duh...

2004-12-06T13:30:00.000-08:00

What im i doin lolx..cant stand myself..said tt im gonna take a break fr the net..n here i m again..sighzz at myself..friendter's sad..alwayzz so slow these days..thinking of wiping out all the hol hw by this wk so that i can really PlAy for the rest of the holiday..but it looks kinda impossible now.. Double sighzz..felt totally blank when i looked at the maths hw this morning lolx..dun belong to dhs liaozz..they r bound to kick me out sooner or later..nxt yr wld be even sadder..yux..

Found where i shld belong!!!!

2004-12-05T18:25:00.000-08:00

Find tt mayday song jue2jiang4 reali meaningful..iv neva paid any attention to their songs before..gosh its so encouraging..we shld reali luv ourselves!!! Do things once u wanna do it before u chicken out!!! Trust ur own feelings and follow them!!! Spend the time u spend on worryin on more more UsEfUl things..Sure, being happy isnt as easy easy as it sounds..and wow..i reali believe in fate and god..i tried to add someone whom im not reali supposed to add..and i met some tech prob..this is not coincidential i believe..these things are always so scary..spooky man..kkkkk i reali need to tell myself STOP WORRYING!!!!! But it seems to be even more diff than to strike 4D now lolz..how come?? I was neva lyk tt before!!I want to be back to the me before!!! I missed the tym when the year juz began this yr..sch work was rather light..everythin juz started new and fresh..n i felt light too..and now..hols but still worryin..i feel so stupid to be unable to be happy..read many articles on how to be happy..u noe its hard for me to actually read..all those "techiques" juz dun work for me lolx!!! Feel lyk knocking me head hard on the wall..im i suffering fr depression??..cant be wat..i mean theres no cause only symptoms..Gosh fate is fate the friendster adding friend thing is always saying "friend request failed"..hahax..shall i give up???..or shall i insist my jue2jiang4 and "fight" with god??? Nvm..il see how it goes..life is life.. live it to the fullest and happiest!!!! Smilez!!! :)

Yawnzzz..

2004-12-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

Guess im tired of the net ald..find goin online reali meaningless..nth much to do online anyway..growing tired of friendster too..maybe il take a break away fr comp for a while..a long while..really lookin forward to school reopening..but il sure miss the hols after the term really begins..the net really "saddens" ppl..haizz..its so untruthful..lies all everywhere..n u dunno wats black n white..sadness..but still dunno y im goin online everyday..n killed by crystal coz neva write her any testimonial..sighzz..but one thing gd abt the net is that u can hide all ur flns fr others, no matter what..hahax..friendster sux..so meaningless lolx..hav been hiding fr cs for more than one mth ald..dun feel lyk goin to all those meetins..orientation thingie is comin..but im not v certain coz iv been hiding!!! Cs chalet on 15th..cant hide any more liaoz..but reali shld update myself with the orientation stuff..or il reali be in a total mess when sch reopens. AAAAAHHHH!!!!! Dun talk about all those "stressy" stuff.. reali dunno haow to spend the rest of the holiday..dun tell me all im ledt to do is doin hw lolx!!! Tired of goin online, dun dare to go for cca, not allowed to sleep the whole day, not allowed to go out..gosh..life really sux man..well wasting time is not so sad after all..

At last..finally...

2004-12-04T06:04:00.000-08:00

Wow..haven't SEEN my blog for more than one month liaozzz..clnt even sign in in shanghai..guess its coz of some political resons..after i came back..the comp is down with some prob..and its still away for repairing now..had to ask my dad to bring back his cpu for the office..spent 2 days to get it set up and almost got electricuted..sighzz..and wats more..i cldnt sign in juz now coz of some technical prob lolx..and now finally..im here hahax..hols was a boredom so far..spent one whole mth in shanghai..well almost a whole mth..i wont mind to waste tym during sch term..but this one mth is 1/2 of my precious holidays that i've been waitin and waitin for since june!!!!! Yep i did achieve my "objectives" in shanghai i stayed away fr this familiar environment and i yinju-ed..but the tym was reli toooooo long!!! U noe i cant live without friends and fun and crazy stuff..but at least i survived thru those days..miserably..i didnt miss out much here i guess..heard that class chalet was sad..and cs camp...think i was too lazy to do all those planning and stuff and spending 4 days with the same old ppl is a torture..k no offence..but i reali miss my dear friends here esp crystal..i wrote her oue whole "ghost book" in shanghai and gosh..she wrote me 244 pozcards..!!! so sad tt almost all the things we wrote sound so sad..haizz..guess m alwayzz so sad there days..went for the ntuc stuff for the last 4 days..hahaxx..only really worked on the first day and slacked more and more on the nxt few days..hahax slackers!!!! It was quite fun to be with crytal all these 4 days but juz realized cant take things for granted..no matter wat..i think i alwayz think so much maybe tt is wat is makin me so sad these days lolzz.though i alwayz look so "dun care" and blur one..only got to work half day at the cc today..but today was the most miserable day lolzz..not many ppl went today, everyone started off workin real hard to clear the last few boxes of the week..only me and crystal were slacking lolxx..i slacked coz she slacked not tt i wanted to slack..she went rite to the pile of story bks to search for comic bks the moment the day started and began to be totally engaged in her comic world..wat cld I do???!!! i juz sat in the pile and did almost nth..read half a bk of fairy tale..gosh..i juz cant work alone coz im reali afraid of lonliness esp when the others all now each other..i juz felt so damn stupid..i juz cldnt stand the fln of seeing others workin n myself slackin and seeing others in need for help n me staring back at them without anyaction..juz eye power lolx..then i suddenly felt so sad tt comics are actually more important than me to her..perhaps..she didnt even ans me when i talked to her..i noe comic is her world n shes juz so engaged in her "comical" world that she didnt hear me..so i decided to suppress my anger and sadness as well..decided tt i shld be more understanding as a friend..i always hate to show how bad i feel..n i didnt want her to noe i felt sad mah..luckily shes one who doesnt think to much.. so i suddenly thought was slipping away fr the work place..i went for a "bedok tour" so as not to feel soo bad to see others work so hard , to stop my anger and sadness fr growin and to hide my flns away fr her..i was away for abt half an hour..went to a "hill garden" which looks so deserted and eerie..ur hair wld literally stand if u enter..this place looks as though no one had gone there for ages..the air smelt so nice anyway..but wat makes this place so ghasty is tt theres broken wine bottles and plastic bags containing "unidentified objects"..god..this place is soo~~..but i enjoyed its eeriness..i actually went there twice after tourin around rest of the bedok neighbourhood..but i still had to look left and right and back while walking in there coz..it looks so suitable to be a murder scene..hahax..nice and rare to find such a place in spore..esp in an ordinary and densely populated neighbourhood..perhaps i wont hav looked so eerie if i had not been there alone..i dragged the time hopin that crystal wld be worried of me..i chose to enter thru the back door to see if she was still in her comic world..luckily she packin the bks ald..she didnt even notice my prsence when i went over..i had to announce "im back"..she juz asked me where was i and tt she went to the toilt to look for me n thought maybe i was called back by my mum..she said she was worried..but she didnt sound worried to me lolx!!! K..nvm i told myself..shld treasure someone who doesnt think in an adult and stupid way..i tried not to be angry and depressed coz hate to make her sad too..she asked me y we had nea fought the, day before yesterday, so i was so worried that today wld be our first tym to fight..in fact it cld be a cold fight..but luckily she didnt detect any sadness in me..pew..she thinks that everythin is normal bah..but i still feel that sth is not rite btw us today..there seems to be a gap of lack of understanding btw us..we talked so excitedly yesterday and the day before yesterday and had endless things to talk about..the the normal friendship btw the two of us lolx..but today was diff..we were both so quite..for me it was coz i ald had a strange feelin last nite abt our friendship today though we both had wondeerful tyms yesterday..but for her..i hav no idea at all..i had too say things that will sort of "agitate" her to make her toking lolx..sighz..n in the end gets books thrown onto me..sighzz..hard to be a friend..and to lock a friendship..decided i wont go on monday liaozz though she insisted tt she'd lyk to go coz i think a few days of seperation wld improve the situation more or less..juz like how we missed each other so much when i was in shanghai..let it be bah..think things shall be alright lah..my sixth sense tell s me tt..and my sixth sense is the only thing i hav confidence in now..hope things will get better..

Selamat Hari Raya Puasa!!!!! :D

2004-11-02T22:17:00.000-08:00

Hahaha!! All those "fasting" is ova!!! Shant i really say today's hari raya??? I waited soooo long today's 8.00pm..that was when i knew i wld be completely freed..when tt dumb stone of mine wld be gone with the wind..Im freed!!! Im actually a little unused to this kinda freedom..this kinda LIVABLE life..wow..now im reali lookin forward to goin back to shanghai tml..i luv the feelin of havin nothin..coz i wont bring anythin along wiz me back..n i luv this "separated fr the world" fln..i feel gd with nth lol!! i shall feel so "LIGHT" tt i can fly n float!!!! N that'll happen tmr!!! Cant wait.. Its actually a bit like yinju-ing..coz its totally away fr the environment tt u normally live in..i juz luv this kinda fln!!!! My dad says he cant understand wat im tokin abt..well nvm..i can understand myself..i juz cant stand this kinda of life im livin now..reali looki forward to days tt i dun hav to worry abt anythin..i feel lyk im swimming now..dunno where this fln came out fr..out of nowhere..gosh..juz realised all those torment has not come to a complete halt yet..ya noe juz as im "blogging" now..my mom is askin me y i failed my el essay for SA..gosh..but i noe all tt is for my own gd..but today is my hari raya!!! N i wont be able to update my blog for at least 25 days..as far as im concerned!! I certainlly m treasuring this precious moment..i will live away fr all those IT stuf in my these days in shanghai..i wont bother to find a com..i wont bother to do anythin..juz wanna tink ova many things..things i hav missed in this one mth..

ChEeRs!!!! :D

2004-11-01T20:00:00.000-08:00

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! I reali wanna SCREAM out LOUD!!!!!!! This tym its not scream of frustration but scream of relief!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really can hear my own scream!!!!but still fil lyk havin a heavy stone in my heart..coz of the piano lesson tml..hav been havin this stone for 1 mth ald lol..juz fil..dunno how i fil..juz tt y shall i still fil the presence of this stone even after ALL those exams r ova??!! i still feel carefree..coz i can live for myself ald..i can control myslf now!! Muz everyone reali hav someone he/she lyks?? Tink we can survive very well without any lol..im surviving pretty well for instance..wonderin y cant we cant survive on our own..juz cant find a reason to luv someone..juz cant find someone worth luvin..sigh..i can fly!!!!!!! I feel free!!!! Im soaring in the sky!!!!! Im floatin!!! Im drifting!!!Im being blown away with freedom!!! I feel a strig breakin..do u feel it too???

one more day to go..juz ONE more!!!

2004-10-31T07:50:00.000-08:00

Juz realized tt iv been havin dis kinda terrible days for 1 mth ald..fr 1st oct to 1st nov..glad tt everythin will end tml..sigh (of relief)..juz luv this song..yep everythin gonna be alright no matter wat happens...

Three Little Birds
Bob Marley(Exodus)

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")
Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
"Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

"Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birdsPitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right.
Don't worry!"Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!"
"Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
"Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

life sux..

2004-10-28T15:15:00.000-07:00

Life reali sux lyk hell lol..nth is worth livin for..all the class rankin and hell stuf is juz to tell me "u r S-T-U-P-I-D!!!!!" lol!!!! ...sighzzz...life is meaningless..we r alwayz livin for others..wat kinda logic is this lolx..Nvm..everythin seems to be borin n meaningless to me nowadays..theory exam tmr..n wat preparation hav i done..cl o's nxt mon..n now only at 1B..N wat m i doin now?? updatin my blog in the SCH library..as if it cld do any help n creat miracles lolx..everyone seems to be disappointed in me..wat m i doin..i wonder..oh yes..juz rmbed tt i gotta live for myself n forget wat others tink bout moi..life sux..il be no longer afraid to go to hell..coz im ald used to livin in hell..kkk..cant say dis kinda things..life is a torture..y do we hav to go thru all this..so tired of life..although its juz a mere 15 yrs..life sux.. I HATE IT!!!! i still wanna yinju..goin back to shanghai nxt wed..not reali lookin forward lolx..il miss everythin back here..i noe i shlnt say all these selfish thingie..but tts wat im sayin for MYSELF!!!il miss my dear dear chingus..n kopfkissen..sigh..il reali reali miss them lol..ppl do change..n my god!!! He cut his hair AGAIN!!! hahax..he juz cut it a wk ago lolx..jj says tt he juz wanna make himself more "dull" so that we wont trail me n "spy" on him..hahax..but stil blindingly bright to me lol!!! hahax..dun bother bout me..moi juz blabberin crap to cheer myself up..this kinda results can make wudanyiqianish ppl commit suicide lolx!!K y i mention her..fil disgusted..how how how how how how how how..juz waitin for mon to come to an end n tts when iv died for eveythin n can START to STOP worryin day n night..let me comment abt this yr..the startin of the yr was so nice everyday was a breeze..goin out every wk n doin ok for my tests..tt was wat i call LIFE lol!!! But eva since after the mid yrs hols..things changed..drastically..nth seems to be doin rite..even my dear dear music..so now im tellin myself everyday-u can do nothin else to 2004 ald..juz pray hard tt 2005 wld be a gd n great one for u..i noe tt dis kinda mindcept in toatally wrong!wrong!wrong! but wat else can i tink to keep myself fr literallly commitin suicide..after ge almost "bottom 10" of the class..i wonder y didnt cry..tis the firz tym i actually gota an average score below 70..i told jj i hav neva cried in dhs..she doesnt belive me..but its true..its a hard fact..i may hug my kopfkissen at nite and cry..but il neva cry at sch..tink coz i neva want to show my flns..juz dun want others to noe wat im tinkin n how im flning ..esp when i feel sad..coz i juz cant stand the fln of being comforted by others n oso hate to see others being unhappy coz of me..yes i noe i still havent changed..i reali hate to upset others..(anyone readin dis shld be snorin aldzzZZZZ)..anw..k i feel much beta..but come to tink of the up comin exams..i can only say life sux lyk hell!!!! i wanna SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 week to holidays!!!! Y r they called holidays??..coz they r holy!!!!

2004-10-23T01:53:00.000-07:00

All the die-ings are over..reali..i died for almost all my subs..thoroughly disappointed at myself..thought i wld fail both bio n physics..but yep..god helped me thr..at least passed by a tiny little bit..which itsnt v diff fr failing..dunno how im gonna survive in this "heavenly" class..think il be kicked out..so id jolly well treasure my last days in 3H..class postion..level position..dun want to loss bundles or handful or watever of hair coz of tt..didnt noe tt i wld end up worryin abt all these juz before a long long dear holiday..life sux..as i always say..People r ccountin how many A's they hav n whether they can get a 6 for their L1R5..and me??..worryin whether il end up havin C's and L1R5 > 12..the difference is far tooooo great..Still hav O level Chinese n piano exam comin up my way..all these stuff...really do suffocate me..Dunno wat shld i say abt myself..so wats my conclusion for dis yr??? Yah..3 letters-- B-A-D.Always thought tt studyin is not the most important thingie in ones life..n we can survive v well without all those torments in sku..but..always thought of studyin being meaningless..but now..juz realized tt NOT studyin makes me worry abt myself!!!..so another conclusion is: studyin is for self satisfaction.I hav great plans for nxt yr..juz keep my fingers crossed tt it wld be beta than this yr..Ok..i shall forget all abt that___ final yr exam..This holiday wont be too bad..juz that il miss the cs annual camp..firz tym to be incharge..larz tym to be involved..n firz tym il miss..sadness..nvm..theres still the chalet..really lookin forward to the hols!!!!!

OnE mOrE dAy LeFt!!!!!!

2004-10-19T07:06:00.000-07:00

Oh god..theres only one more day of heaven like days left..wat did i do in these four days anyway..sleep..go out..online..boring..today was esp langweilig..stayed at home for almost the whole day..except for goin for that dreadful piano lesson..n got slaughtered by the tchr..n she expects me to complete n perfect n wadever one piece in ONE day..wants my life..im goin to bang on the piano till 3am the nxt mornin..till neighbours come banging on my door..cant imagine how the sch tchrs r goin to kill me on thurs..i definitely flung my physics, both of the maths and bio..tink hav to go for sss nxt yr..ah!!!!! Life reali sux..for me at least..Thought i cld start to enjoy life after the exams..but i still end up worrin abt this n tt..Sigh..nothins turns out gd for me these days..dunno if its my prob or hus prob..shldt blame others..i cant even get a thing done properly..its lyk everyone is starting to get disappointed at me n loss hope in me n...i dunno..im disappointed wif myself either..thurs thurs thurs thurs..the day for me to..well shldnt say tt taboo wrd..but u noe wat i mean..n gotta reach sch at 7..shld i take bus or wat??? nvm.....i dun care...

cant tink of a proper title..

2004-10-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

hate it..yep its fair enuf..u hate others and there r bound to be ppl to hate u..i dunno if we shld try hard to please otheres so as to not to dislike u or juz live for urself..i juz hate the fln of havin ppl u dislike me..but jj said..i shld be happy if there r ppl hu dislike me coz at least they noticed me..but..i hate to make enemies!!!! But shldnt we live life the way we want it?? Anyway life is ours not others'!!! I dunno n i dun care..dun want to worry so much..Life is juz a torture..coz of the sins we commited in our previous life, perhaps..i dun care..sigh..too tired to care..today's class outin was erm..dunno wat to say..juz stood in the seawater, rooted to the sand for two hours..feelin giddy coz of the tides and imagining impossible things..i hate myself juz hate myself..for being unable to do the things i want... for not havin the courage to life for myself..always waitin for miracles to happen..always waitin for others to help me..but neva helpin myself.. if i were someone else..wld i befriend myself?? i dunno..dun wan to tink so much..juz too tired..goin to ecp everday reali makes me giddy coz of the tides and the sun..but juz wanna to tan myself to..nvm..its not worth it..i juz realized..

hate the NET!!!!!!

2004-10-16T07:10:00.000-07:00

Wonder y we wan get everythin online lolx!!!! Its lyk u can find anyone yah EVERYONE online lolx!!!!..whether they r the ones one want to see or DUN WAN to c...amazing..impressive..N guess wat!! I even found Mr Kiw on friendster!!!yah..those ppl u dun wan to find..they r oso there..cant close my eyes..unfortunately..tired of goin online ald..all tt i did todae was 12 hrs sleep and 3 hrs goin out and 9 hrs online..yep..slackin..my maths still not too bad..12+3+9=24 rite?? wat else can i do anyway?? Spore's so small..cant reclaim the land overnite wat..nvm..should start workin hard on my piano startin fr tml..yes..I hereby announce and promise to myself tt I WILL START WORKIN HARD STARTIN FR TML!!!!Well..tml is tml..its future.hope i can still rmb my promise tml.haven touch my dear piano for wks liaozz..dun miss it..but its collectin dust liaoz..juz a bit wasted huh?? yes..i muz work hard!!! juz forgot one exam is over but two more are yet to come..music theory on nxt nxt satuday and O level Chinese juz ON THE NXT DAY!!! Stress!! Stress!! God!! Hav pity on me!!! Id beta do well for these two exams..they r major ones..juz dun wan my results to suffer coz of me..wat im i tokin abt..nvm..i dun understand either..Juz tired wif those everyday routine lyk stuff..its lyk everday is the same, even bades..n tts y i HATE bdaes..coz u wan it to be special but it has neva been special.at least in these 15 yrs of MY life..u hope nxt yr's one wld be beta.but it neva will..im not being pesimistic..but juz statin the hard facts.. How different can tmr be anyway?? how diff do i want it to be?? tink i juz want my life to be changed..yah of cos in a way i want it to be..but wat way??

OvEr iS oVeR...

2004-10-16T03:39:00.000-07:00

all the stupid..dumm exams over liaoz..but wat im i left wif??..hopelessness??? Reall wanna go somewhere n yinju..but muz find a hill or mountain of some sort firz..How bout Bukit Timah??..lame lolx..juz a bit angry n disappointed a myself for kopfkissening a gay..a real gay...nvm..over is over..these few days r gonna be damn borin..slept fr 12 to 12 last nite..or dis mornin???nvm...thurs gonna get back those ppr liaoz..bound to be killed..sigh..too tired to care abt all these things liaoz..shld start thinkin how to enjoy life and live 4 myself for once..

**Kopfkissen**